Don't

oooh man. i hate school right about now. So much to do, and yet I sit here, faithfully typing for my dwindling audience. Not to sound like eyore, but if I were you I would have stopped reading this sh** a long time ago.
uhh, other news. i have been spending excessive amounts of time with Russell. I think since we established that we are JUST FRIENDS, we have been able to get a lot closer. He makes me mad a lot, but he also makes me laugh a lot. I think right now i just need to not be alone, and he is around a lot, so it works out. plus, i find it pleasing to spend time with someone who isn’t really tied to the rest of my world. Also, he is so pretty. I am sure he reads this, so there ya go, an ode to Russell....
god, I’m lame.
My name is Lisa and I am in middle school.......
Today Sarah and I walked around nob hill and she bought a cd, and we had food and ice cream. I was sitting there at the ice cream shop and I thought wow, I really love Albuquerque today! The sky was so great, just a hint of cloudy-ness. Everyone was walking around looking so uber hip (including sarah and I, of course). It was just a perfect day in the perfect part of town.
And now I will end this post to go wash my dirty dirty hair.

it's my one year anniversary of hard luck today. one year ago that my world became so different that it is hard to recognize it still. But i will spare you the sappy details, since they have been hashed out and bottled up and pushed away. This year has been a good one. i keep trying to re-invent myself with less of him in me. Some days i am very successful.
i like those days.
today was good. I went to all three of my classes. a rarity. do i ever go to all of my classes in one day?
i got to hang out with tina and make thai food.
i took russell lunch. (my hating phase is over)
i went to work.
i washed my car.
tonight i need to write a paper. yes, another paper.
*****update on the eye doctor saga****
yeah, i think my brief love affair with the good doctor has reached its premature end. Yesterday i worked at the Starbucks here at the church. (easter sunday is a big money-maker for these people) and lo and behold, my hot eye doctor came waltzing in (one of our first customers in fact!) It took me a moment to register that he was with a woman. A ugly, scrawny, older blonde woman, with thin hair and no lips, who kind of looked like a chicken to be exact. (yes, we women can be cruel). "oh" i thought. "Maybe his girlfriend, since he was not wearing a ring yesterday." i stepped a little closer to observe a huge wedding ring on her hand, and a tidy gold band on his left hand too. He is married to chicken lady! i was so angry! He was definitely not wearing a wedding band at the office on saturday. And he was most definitely flirting with me.
just another example on why i should stop falling in love with strangers. i guess part of me likes not knowing anything about them. It gives my active imagination plenty of space to roam. Reality is too boring, too predictable. Maybe thinking that is my problem.

lately i have been experiencing a "Radiohead Revival." Everything they do is amazing. The song for this week is "Everything In Its Right Place" from the Kid A album. I love how the whole song is just a sampling of Thoms voice being played back over and over again. I really want to go to Coachella now, because they will be there!
This week has gone alright. okay, not that right. mostly I hate everyone. i am sure it will pass.
Today I got up pretty early because i had to go to the eye doctor. I just switched eye doctors, so i wanted to get there early to fill out the paper work. Not to sound like Monica from friends, but i think it is safe to say that I am in love with my eye doctor. He is sooo sooo cute. I am pretty sure he thought i was cute too, judging from the way he acted. When he left he grasped my hand and said (while gazing into my eyes) "[i]Very [/i]nice to meet you Lisa!!" Sarah said next time i go, and he makes me read the chart i should say "I-l-o-v-e-y-o-u".
yes, i am being silly. Lisa doesn't date doctors. She dates boys who don't have cars! Trevor said i fall in love with everyone. I guess that is true.
Now i will do homework and pretend I am not a silly pathetic girl.

Try and play this game yourself, before you look at my answers!

[LINE]

Thursday, April 08, 2004


Dear Tabby,

Ok, so this isn’t so much of an advice thing as it is a flat out insult. And by “flat out insult,” I mean “fun game!” Ok, here are the rules: I’m giving you a list of 15 ‘obscura’ bands with contrived names. 9 of these bands are fictitious (some of them even have contrived names that are designed to trick you into thinking that they are another band with a similarly contrived name), and 6 are real, actual talent. Your job is to tell the difference. I call this game the “Manufactured Musical Moniker Mix-Up.” Chill out, because you don’t get anything for winning, but if you lose, I’ll never speak to you again. And don't even think of cheating. I’ll know if you did. Ready, GO!
-Trevor

1. Swell Maps
2. The Spines
3. Humble Hamster
4. Fucbloer
5. LSD Soundsystem
6. Iron and Wine
7. Ego captain and the crap factory
8. Echo Management
9. Pretty Girls Bake Cakes
10. Jesus Jarvis
11. The Faint
12. The Opulent Squats
13. The Beatles
14. The Packaging and Sending Stuff Service
15. Pretty Girls Make Graves

[LINE]
Lisa's answers:

[i]1. Swell Maps (real)
2. The Spines (not real, but a clever name. ben would hate it.)
3. Humble Hamster (i HOPE this is a real name. i think it is, because its too clever...)
4. Fucbloer (not real)
5. LSD Soundsystem (maybe not)
6. Iron and Wine (real)
7. Ego captain and the crap factory (isn't this silent steves band?)
8. Echo Management (whoa! awesome name, but not real)
9. Pretty Girls Bake Cakes ( i dont think so...)
10. Jesus Jarvis (no, but more band names should have jesus in them)
11. The Faint (real)
12. The Opulent Squats (not real!)
13. The Beatles (what a stupid name.....wait.....)
14. The Packaging and Sending Stuff Service (NO! don't mock the postal service!)
15. Pretty Girls Make Graves (the realest)

this was harder than i thought. i cheated on 8 though, because it sounds so legit. sorry! (at least i am honest.)
next time, ask for advice. i'm better at that!
-L


[/i]

I have been so tired lately. not sure why. i still want to blame the time change, although people tell me that i should have adjusted by now...
this week has been okay. i took Sarah dinner at work last night, and we talked about boys. he-he. :roll:
after, i had water with sebastian. (i think he had coffee). also, i got the new modest mouse cd. its pretty good! but i have to listen to it more to decide if i REALLY like it.
today i went to class. just my 8am class actually. After that i had coffee with Lesley and Russell. I think we talked about Jesus. I had a meeting with the girl from the New Voters Project, and she hired me on the spot for a summer internship! I am very excited! I think it will be fun. http://www.newvotersproject.o...
uuuuh. After that, i ran into Katherine. Sarahs roommate. we went to R.b. WINNING (no s! i stand corrected) and had blueberry cream sodas, and talked about how strange it was that we were hanging out since both of us tend to hate everyone we meet. I’d call it quality bonding time. We also talked a bit about fate. I don't know if i believe in fate anymore. The idea that everything happens for a reason. I think i used to believe in fate too much, and i got burned when fate turned out to be my delusions. not that i am bitter!
After that i watched Russell eat green beans at the duck pond, and tired to feed green beans to the ducks (unsuccessfully!)
I spent some quality time with myself studying and stuff. I ran into my friend Eric, and we were talking about the white crested duck (the duck at the duck pond with the white puff on his head.) We observed how he seems to dominate the other ducks, and named him "PUFF DIDDY".
there was a ducky theme in my day....
I laughed a lot today.
the end.

[b]Bottom Shelf by Damien Rice[/b]

[i]I take myself from the bottom shelf
And I reel my troubles in
And I put them up on a higher hill
To a place I’ve never been

And I’ll wait for you if you want me to
Am I just wasting my time?
And I’ll wait for you if you ask me to
Am I just losing my mind?

And I'm always hanging on
And I'm always closing doors
And I'm always saying no
No, when I really really want it all
When I really really want it all
When I really really want it all
When I really really want you

And I'll take myself from the bottom shelf
And I'm on the street again
But it's the newer town, and the rain come down
In a place I’ve never been

And I play for you if you ask me to
Am I just wasting my time?
Yeah I play for you if you want me to
Am I just losing my mind?

'Cause I'm always hanging on
And I'm always closing doors
And I'm always saying no
No, when I really really want it all
When I really really want you

When I really really want it all
I really really want
Yeah I really really want it all
When I really really wanted you

I take myself from the bottom shelf
And I reel my troubles in
And I put them up on a higher hill
To a place I've never been

And I'll play for you if you ask me to
Am I just wasting my time?
Yeah I'll play for you if you want me to
Am I just losing my mind?

Am I just losing my mind?[/i]

yesterday was yuck. Up until then, i had been feeling okay. Happy. And then yesterday, i woke up and realized i wasn't happy at all. I was tired, and feeling a bit sick. I felt empty, and uneasy. I hate feeling like i am not good enough, and thats how it felt.
Sarah and Katherine and I went to rb winnings after my morning class and sat there for 2 hours. That was fun. I like how easy it feels to be with them. I like how we can laugh. I like how Katherine can smile with her eyes, and how Sarah can be so charmingly honest. Spending time with them was exactly what i needed yesterday. When we were cleaning off our table to leave, i looked up and saw Charles in line by the door. Our eyes met for a moment, but i looked away. Waiting for the guy to move so i could dump our dishes felt like an eternity. I actually pushed him a bit so i could get my dishes in the box. And then i muttered something to sarah about going out the other door. Automatically she looked at the line to see who i saw, and what upset me. i feel like i ran out the door, but i must have walked. Why did i react like that? I thought i was okay with not being his girlfriend. I thought i didnt like how i felt when i was with him. after thinking about it the rest of the day, i think i figured it out. No matter how badly things ended with him, i realize that he has a little part of me that i want back, just like every other guy that i've gotten too close to. When i saw him yesterday, i was confronted with my own choices. choices that affected him too. and i couldnt bear to look.
in retrospect, i am sure that running out of rb winnings was not the way to handle the situation, but its really the only way i could deal at that moment. I had already been feeling like shit all day, and i didnt want to say something i'd regret either way. I went all crazy on Russell right before that, which i feel bad for. I don't think he has known me long enough to chalk it up as "one of lisa's moods".
i went to work yesterday afternoon and it was kinda nice to escape into something bigger than me.
Last night i talked to Emerson for a while. i am not sure if that helped me feel better or worse. I really wish i didnt care what his deal is. in fact, from now on, i won't!
There are so many loose ends in my life right now. projects, people, opportunities. I don't know where things will lead!
My friend Shawn (the girl!) really encouraged me yesterday. She was talking about how there are no wrong decisions ultimately, because we learn from everything. And things ahppen for a reason. I want to believe that. I want to believe that i wont regret things that i do now. That not having a plan is okay. I feel a little bit lost about the summer, and really lost about December (when i get out of school). There are so many things i want to do, but i am not sure if i have the ambition/courage/resource s to do them. I've always been a bit of a dreamer, so i dont know what is practical for my life right now. ugh, don't you hate the word practical?
Today I will go to my appointment at 3 and class until 7. And then maybe i will get to hang out with Sebastian. He is the most uncomplicated person in my life right now.

I’ve logged on this morning to express my dissatisfaction with the whole daylight savings thing. We have sprung an hour ahead here in New Mexico, causing me to have to get up at 6 am for class, which was really 5 am. I am also dissatisfied with having an 8 am class in the first place.
Other news:
It rained sooooooo much here. THE GREAT FLOOD OF 2004! Ben and I enjoyed the rain very much. He likes puddles, and so do I.
It has come to my attention that a lot of people visit this site, but they don't leave comments, hence, I don't know they have been here. (Until I say something and then they say "oh yeah, I read that".) The moral of the story is: leave a comment!
Today is R.B.Winnings day with Sarah and Katherine. It seems Monday will be r.b.winnings day from now on.
This entry could very well be the most boring entry I have ever written.
This week I am going to go to Santa Fe. By myself. To reflect. To face some ghosts. I don't want to see anyone I know. I just want to visit some places. My friend Harry thinks that I shouldn't keep running away from my feelings. He said I should just face what I need to face, and let what needs to happen [i]happen[/i], and he is right. I can't drive through Santa Fe with my eyes closed anymore. I think it’s going to hurt, to be in those places again, but I think it will be a relief too. And it will be healing. And I am so ready for that. So ready to finish that part of my life.
10 minutes till class is out!

today it rained and hailed like CRAZY. it looks like a flood outside.
this morning me and kitty ben watched "the magdeline sisters" in bed and then we went out to play in the rain. he is turning out to be a pretty good boyfriend replacelent, although he bit me this morning.
yesterday i had 2 tests. i guess i did alright.
tonight i am going to socorro with Myles and Andrew. We are going to check out Travis' play at tech, and meet up with Jess and maybe Ian.
the internship i was planning to do in colorado this summer got cancelled. i found out about it last night. at first i was super bummed, but i think i feel better now. i just have to revamp my plans for summer. My new idea includes taking summer school and working at starbucks. other ideas are welcome!
also, i am going to marry emerson.

Another school day. I went to my 9:30 class. I want someone to cheer for me. Yesterday after school Sarah and I went shopping together. We bit the bullet and went to the mall, because Albuquerque sucks. Sarah makes me laugh, and she inspires me to dress better. I got some pants I like, and then we went to the art store and I bought so much stuff. It got me really motivated to create again. I stayed up most of the night making a piece for Emerson. It is really cool, but I won't describe it in case he reads this post today. I can't wait to mail it! I also made something for Joe, and for Shawn (the girl!) I don't think that it is cool to expect everyone to love my art as much as I do, so I won't talk about it too much. I don't want to become the person I despise/love. Isn't it funny how that works though? We often fall in love with the person who is most like us, and then, we hate them, and don't see that they were just mirrors or ourselves all along. I sometimes find myself saying something [i]he[/i] would say, and then loathing myself for it. Did i fall in love with him? or just myself? I'll never really know who it was for sure I was in love with. All of this ran through my head last night as i worked on my art. The light was just right, and the music was just right too. I love the feeling of creating something different. I like to fancy that something like it has never been created before, and never will be again. That each carefully placed brush stroke is completely new. I know that isn’t true, but it makes me smile to think it is. The same with words. When I write, I fancy that no one has ever put words together exactly the same way as I just did. But then realism takes over, and tells me that there is nothing new I can say. There is no combination of words that hasn't already been written. That somebody else hasn't already thought of. See why artists are so moody and broody?
I better stick to more pragmatic endeavors.
Like studying for my math exam.
ps- i think i want to buy a used tv, if anyone has one for sale.

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
You will hear something this week that makes you doubt the love of your spouse, but exactly why circus music has this effect will remain a mystery.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
Efficient, divine revelation is yours this week when the love goddess Aphrodite appears to you for 1.9 seconds during a round of speed-dating.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
You've always believed that you can judge a man by his handshakes, which is why you continue to denounce the theories of Stephen Hawking.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
You'll be granted the secret wish of parents everywhere when your adorable baby daughter stays that size forever.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
The stars believe that a person must make his own mistakes, but they warn you not to do anything that may, say, burn down Chicago this week.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Personal growth looms large in your future as you are transformed into a 1,000-foot giant who blots out the sun.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
You've always believed that the children are our future, which is true insofar as most are cruel, violent, and short.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
You will find that one can go a long way in this world by practicing honesty, kindness, and the bizarre owl-worship ritual of the Druids.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
You'll achieve nationwide fame when footage of the polar bear mauling your carcass is set to "Flight Of The Bumblebee."

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
It's one thing to try to change your image, but it's another to bulk up on Andro, wear only white mink, and insist that you're the Vanilla Gorilla.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
Some may call your breast implants tacky, but at least you had the guts to try out unconventional shapes.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
You're in grave danger of planning your life around vague interpretations of the mysterious patterns that can supposedly be seen in the night sky.

I woke up this morning feeling like absolute shit. headache, sore throat, body aches, etc. so i took some Advil and went back to sleep. (i guess my goal to go to my 9:30 class is just not attainable). when i woke up, i actually felt pretty good. I’ve just had some tea, and i feel like facing the day is doable now. Since I don't have class till 4, i plan on working on my newspaper design project. It is due tomorrow, and I must say, it is turning out really cool. The assignment was to create a life sized newspaper front page on a posterboard. To see if any of this design stuff is sinking in. I am a bit worried about it, because i am NOT a designer. I am a writer. I have never been able to do good layouts, but hey, I can try. I named my faux newspaper "The Daily Lisa". It is going to be a spoof on the onion, kinda, only Muuuuuch funnier. My prof. said she didn't care what the content was, as long as the design was good, but hopefully I will get extra points for making her laugh. I had to do it funny, to keep myself from getting bored. The main picture I am using on the front page is of this older couple smiling at the camera. It ran in the Belen paper a few weeks ago, commemorating this couples business. I cut it out and wrote a new headline: [b]Anti-Aging drug Yields Disastrous Results For Area Couple[/b]
Yes, i just spent most of my entry excitedly talking about my newspaper assignment. If there was any question about my nerdiness, i am sure it has been put to rest.

i feel better.
today was a glorious day. i am having troubles typing though. the words are not coming out like i envision. its actually really weird....
anyway!
i slept late today.
i played with kitty ben all day.
adri came over and i made her a latte.
i cleaned house.
i took my car to get the brakes checked ($120 on monday....ouch!)
i talked to emerson.
i worked on my scarf that i am making. It is pink with ribbons and beads. I might give it to Sarah!
i read some homework stuff.
i didn't do my copy editing assignment.
i might hang out with sebastian later (if he remembers that we might hang out.....ahem!)
very relaxing saturday.
lately i have really been missing kristy. I guess i just miss being close to a girl. i have a lot more girlfriends than i used to, but most of them have their own best friend already, or else a boyfriend. Kristy is mostly just mine, though i *have* to share her with cassie. I remember how much fun Kristy and I had when she was here. Even though she was with Jason, she never treated me like I came second. We always made time for each other and she was even there when i needed to cry. (i ran straight to her SRC when steve dumped me the first time!) Right now, we are still really close, and talk several times a week on the phone, if not every day, and i love that. I feel like we are as close as ever, but i just miss spending time with her, and being able to call her to just chill. I kinda have that with Sarah right now, but it just seems like that will probably change. Like it did with Jade. I get close to people for a time, and then we drift apart. I am not sure if it is some kind of problem i have with sustaining stuff, or if it's just life. Kristy and i have similar backgrounds (eerily similar!) and compatable personalities. What i am trying to say is: I WANT TO MARRY KRISTY!

this week has been alright. I spent the day with kitty ben yesterday, and we had a great day. Today I had a midterm, and I had lunch with Adri at the hospital. She works at the Emergency Room, and I got a tour. It was really cool. A bit unsettling too. Someone was actually dying there, as i passed by. I am not used to that kind of raw reality. I wanted to run out of there. I can't stop thinking about it.
um. other news....
I am on pins and needles kinda. There is a chance that my friend Emerson might come visit me. Emerson is, how you say......amazing. I posted something he wrote here not too long ago. I really like his writing style, and i also think he is adorable. He looks like Opie! a very hot opie. *swoon*. I have good feelings about his possible visit. very good!
I saw Ben the boy today. It was good. weird. Made me think of a different time.
I finished the scarf i was knitting. Thanks to Sarah for the help!
Speaking of Sarah, I hung out with new boy Sebastian last night at the frontier and Sarah randomly joined us. We had a good time, and Sebastian is really fun. I like him, even though he is a hipster.
hmmm. lately, i have had an influx of "bad decision friends". I always have "bad decision friends", but not all at once. People I care about keep telling me about horrible things they have opted to do lately, and i am left appalled. For the most part i have stayed quiet, except for one unfortunate phone conversation in which i confronted the person on their bad judgement. and then afterwards i thought "who am i to judge?" I have defiantly done worse. I just don’t know what to do. It has gotten to the point where I am actually worried about a few of my friends safety and health. Today I saw a friend who had a black eye, and i just wanted to cry. I just want what’s best for them, and i don’t know what that is, but i know what its not.
but whatever, i don’t even know what is best for me. right now i feel so shaky and uneasy. there is something wrong.

after spending all morning trying to get a decent picture of my baby kitten, i ended up with two really bad pictures. He is hard to photograph because he is so active, and also because he is black.
His name is Benjamin.
he has the sweetest temperment i have ever seen in a baby kitten. even when he is playing, he doesn't scratch. I am in love! :wink: He is nicer mannered than some boys I know!


=http://img20.photobucket.com/...

=http://img20.photobucket.com/...

The rest of spring break was great. Wednesday (St .Patrick’s day!) I ran errands all day. My friend (new) Sarah hung out with me, and we went shopping. I also went to see my uncle and his girlfriend. They just had a baby girl. She is very cute. I bought her shoes. My uncle is the closest to my age in my family, and so it is weird to think of him as a dad now. He seemed to be doing well with the new role. Wednesday night I met up with the gang for dinner and drinks at Bennigan’s. It was packed and noisy! So we went downtown for more drinks, and it was packed and noisy there too! But we spent most of our time in the hipster bars, and hipsters aren't so keen on getting drunk on st pattys day. (it's so cliché!) So it was ok. Pool and raspberry ale. YES! I also ran into my friend Tony. I hadn't seen him in a long time, and it was exciting. I plan on calling him this week.
I spent Thursday-Saturday in the lovely town of Taos, New Mexico. It was really beautiful there. Taos has a reputation for being the artistic center of the southwest, and so I embraced the spirit and spent most of my time browsing through the art galleries. I also visited many of their fine bookstores and drank a lot of Italian sodas. AND I got bamboo knitting needles. Call me a dork, but I was thrilled! I got a lot of good art ideas from my wanderings. I wish I could just drop out of school and pursue being a bohemian artist in Taos.

[LINE]
:oops: Here is my embarrassing moment from the trip:
Background: I stopped outside a mountain climbing store to rest, and I sat on the sidewalk. This huge black Labrador came over and sat next to me. I mean, he was really fat. So I was petting him and talking to him, and the owner came out of the store (a very cute mountain climber guy) and started a conversation with me.
Hot guy: I see Mesa found a friend!
Me: Yes! We were just holding paws....
Hot guy: (laughing) Well! He sure knows how to pick em when it comes to holding paws!
Me: (flattered) Ha, thanks! So his name is Mesa? That's great!
Hot guy: (beaming) Yup!
*Lull in conversation*
Me: So! He sure is um...HEAVY huh?
Hot guy: (defensive) Well! Did you feel him? He isn't FAT, he’s just wide, I mean, I don't over feed him or anything! He is really fit!
Me: (doubtful) Oh, okay...
Hot guy: (walks off) Come on Mesa, let’s go!
Me: Bye... Nice to meet you Mesa!


Oh man. I really need to work on my conversational skills! Why didn't I ask him where he was from? Or some other non-offensive question? Instead, I insulted his dog...
Awesome.
[LINE]


So today, I went to the launch of this new magazine here called "Albuquerque, The Magazine" with my friend Lesley. She is their intern. It was really fun. They had it down at this new bistro at Nob hill called Zinc. Always in the market for free wine and good jazz music, I had fun.

My big news of the day is this: I AM A PARENT! Yes, I finally got a baby kitten! It's a boy, and he is black. I haven't quite decided on a name yet. It is very awe inspiring, to be a parent. All you real parents out there, please refrain from rolling your eyes. I feel the responsibility of having a tiny kitten that depends solely on me for food, shelter and LOVE. I will post pictures of my little munchkin soon.

This is the end of my post.

Spring break has been nice so far. I am going out of town tomorrow until Sunday. Don't miss me too much.
Here is something Trevor posted on Myspace. I thought it was funny. My reply is also here.

[LINE]
Note: This is part of a new series of journal entries entitled "Dear Tabby," where I will share embarrassing and/or titillating situations in a "Dear Abby-esque" way with my good friend Lisa vis-à-vis this forum in the hopes that she will reply with something witty in the form of a comment.

Dear Tabby,

Oh boy, did I ever do it again! I fell off the rock while rock climbing, and I pulled a groin muscle. Ouch! At work the next day, I was sitting at my desk, innocently massaging my groin muscles with my headphones on, when our department's secretary (Tia) walks in. I could tell she thought I was doing some jerky-offy thing instead of massaging my groin (which is what I WAS doing) because she gave me a look that made me feel like a nazi pervert from mars. Should I bring it up after our department meeting tomorrow, or should I let sleeping dogs lie?

Sincerely,

Ashamed in Albuquerque
[i]
Dear A.I.A,
Since Tia is the secretary and not in fact an authority figure, like say, a boss, I'd suggest that next time this happens, (because undoubtedly there WILL be a next time) you call her over and threaten to blackmail her if she tells. This will take a bit of digging for some dirt on Tia, but in the long run, it will be worth it.

Cheers! (and use some medicated muscle rub on that groin muscle -in private-!)
Tabby[/i]

[LINE]


I also decided to use this forum to share embarrassing things that have happened to me. Since there are several of these moments each day, I will have to pick and choose the ones i will share.
:oops: Here is one from yesterday. Background- I went to the Albuquerque Journal to check out the newsroom there. I ran into this guy named Jeff that I knew from the Lobo. Here is the conversation that ensued.
Lisa (upon seeing Jeff) Hey, Jeff?!
Jeff (stops, looks puzzled for a second): yeah? Oh! Lisa!
Lisa: How’s it going?
Jeff: good...
(Awkward pause)
Lisa: so, I’m just visiting here today.
Jeff: so, I’m just busy! See ya later.
Lisa (suddenly aware that the whole news room is party to the conversation, and that they are laughing at her abrupt dismissal): oh! Okay...bye... (To Jeff’s back)


Yeah. Fun stuff. I guess I could work on my social skills.

yes! As of yesterday at 3pm, spring break officially has arrived!
I studied yesterday with Kristin for a while in the library, and then we went and took our midterm for comparative politics. After that, i had my therapy appointment. It went well, although we spent most of the time talking about stuff that i don't think is key. But hey, she is the professional, not me! And it did help. The main thing we talked about is expectations. Its hard to have no expectiations (good or bad) but sometimes its good to try not to have any. Looking over my relationships with people i find that usually my expectations cause my disatisfaction in the relationship. examples: i expect people to remain cool and fun when they get a boyfriend or girlfriend, and they often dont. I expect people to value me as a friend enough to call me and hang out with me and they dont. I expect people to make good decisions in their lives and they dont. I expect my friends not to hang out with my ex boyfriends, and they do. I don't expect people to do stupid things and then call me to tell me about it, but they do. and finally, the clincher: i expect boys to be different (or sometimes the same) as Steve, and they aren't. See the pattern? If i would just let go of these expectations and let whatever happens happen, i might be able to be less stressed about things i cant control.
It's easy to say, hard to do.
today will consist of cleaning, doing laundry and bumming around, mostly because i can.

one more midterm today and I will be done for a week! is it possible? No more school for a week? I don't remember wishing so hard for spring break ever before.
I had a really lucid dream last night, and i keep forgetting that it isnt real. that it didnt really happen. Sadly, its one of those dreams that pushes me to a decision in my real life. Some people think its superstisious, but i think that dreams can serve as warnings, and I have been known to make decisions based on dreams. Not to get all weird, but ive seen stuff in my dreams that has come true, even when at the time of the dream i was sure that would never happen. I am not so much interested in dream interpretations, because usually the dreams that make an impact are the kind that are very clear. Usually when i wake up i can tell it was one of those dreams. I'd like to hear thoughts on this if anybody has any. Tell me i am [i]crazy[/i]! i dont mind.
speaking of [i]crazy[/i], i have therapy today!
also speaking of [i]crazy[/i], i had lunch with my COUSIN linda yesterday. It was a lot of fun. She is a great person, and very entertaining. Plus she thought i was the coolest. (always a plus)
and now, to quote the lyrical genius of N*Sync:
"don't wanna be a fool for you, just another player in your game for 2. don't really want to make it tough, i just want to tell you that i've had enough, Might sound [i]crazy[/i] but it aint no lie........ BYE BYE BYE!!"
ps- the word of the day is [i][b]crazy.[/b][/i]

how long must i wait?
I am listening to [i]postal services[/i] "this place is a prison". It is their only sad song, and it pretty much sums up how I feel. Shortly after i posted my happy post yesterday, i got pretty weird again. I was talking to one of my friends who told me stuff i didnt want to hear. But thats what friends do right? She told me coz she cares. Well, thats what i hope anyway! I can't believe what an idiot i am, when it comes to boys. absolutely clueless, ya know?
So yeah, i had a bout of self loathing yesterday, and it intensified when i realized that there is no way i am going to do well on this central american politics midterm I have today. So i gave up and watched American Idol. So much for being happy in the spring!
The good news is, i get to have lunch with the crazy cousin today!

I got the new [i]Damien Rice[/i] live album today. It is so great. I am perfectly content to sit on the floor with my eyes closed and just listen. Its raw emotion, and i love it.
Yesterday was good. I went to all my classes (well, i forgot about my 9:30 one, so it doesnt count). I studied with Maggie (who looks like mandy moore). I took my Human Rights midterm (and i think i did awesome on it..). I had a hot date with Russell. (we ate thai food and talked and talked and listened to music).
Today i have just been smiling like a sop all day. It might be because of the date, or maybe because of damien rice, or maybe both!
I am ditching classes today in favor of studying, although i havent actually started studying yet, and its almost 1. I did go for a run though, which inspired me to do some art. I love this time of year. The sky is so blue, and it smells like spring. I am always happy in the spring.
[i]Always.[/i]
I might come back later and post some stuff i've written lately.
in the meantime, i'll go listen to more damien and avoid studying for central american politics.

Every now and then i will find something that takes my breath away with its beauty. Something that grabs me with its clarity and its truth. Something that makes me stop and say [b]wow[/b]! Sometimes its the angle of an adobe building against the new mexico sky. Sometimes its a line from a song, sometimes its the way someones elbow curves when they touch their face. It can be an act of compassion, or a paragraph from a book. Sometimes its a friends loyalty, or a dead sparrow.
Today, that something beautiful came from my friend Emerson. Today he wrote down just a little bit of his soul to share.

[i]whispered: in search of something beautiful...

and pulled out of my mind...

Silhouettes of tall branches pressed against a dark sky. I wondered if I could really see blue, or if it was assumed, knowledge stored away in this cluttered disorganized toolbox. and these silhouettes, tall, thin, tangled, two dimentional from my perspective, my head relaxed into a grassy pillow, my feet planted knees bent, elbows pressed onto cold lawn that would surely leave marks, red lines suggesting hours spent watching.

At times my mind was empty, and then thoughts would appear, thoughts that moved with the stars above, slow dreamy, lava lamp. When it got too quiet, when the coyotes stopped howling or dogs stopped barking, when I was left alone with the crickets and a soft wind that moved stealthily through the trees, that's when I would start conversations with myself, just to break the silence.

"Emerson," I told myself. I could feel my voice vibrating through the back of my head, my voice box buzzing. "Emerson," I repeated, and looked cautiously left and right in case someone was coming. "Emerson, do you think normal people talk with themselves?"

These conversations sometimes lasted for hours. These conversations could entertain me forever, even keep me busy on the drive home. I craned my neck when I heard a car in the distance, watched the dim headlights move across my line of sight. I rested my head back and stared back up at the trees. I made a wish, based on nothing but just the hope that it might come true, I made a wish and laid there, and this is where I wanted to stay.[/i]

oh oh!
i forgot to say that i got a postcard from bethany (in spain) today. It was the highlight of my dismal life. Thanks boisterious bethany! i miss youuuuuuuuuuu

I've had a sorta-headache all day. I just really want to sleep tonight.
Yesterday I studied with Jana for our human rights midterm. I think it went well. The part we actually spent studying, instead of talking about important things like MORALITY, and MUSIC, and MEN. Ok, we didn't really talk about MEN that much. what’s there to say? We did talk a bit about Steve though. haha, I make myself laugh...
Afterwards I hung out with Sarah and Katherine at the flying star. We practiced ventriloquism and our handwriting, and entertained the people at the tables around us. Or, perhaps we annoyed them. Either way, it was fun. And then Shawn came and hung out with us, and then she and I had a really good talk. I like Shawn coz she’s a relatively new friend, who hasn't been worn out by my issues yet. That sounds horrible huh? I also really value her insights, because I think she is really wise.
Today I went to ALL of my classes and only resorted to playing SNAKE on my phone and text messaging Russell during my final class.
In my math class, my quasi friend Sean sat next to me. He usually does. I say quasi friend because I’ve had him for a bunch of poly sci classes, but that is the extent of our interaction. He is really cute in the dorky way. I termed him “Weezer boy” because he dresses like that and has the weezer glasses. So today he told me I "looked pretty" and then he turned red. Which made me turn red. And I thought, wow! People never blush anymore. It was really cute. Also, he invited me to the [i]Thursday[/i] concert. At least, I think he did. He is really shy. I also think I said yes.
I had a conversation with this large jolly woman at the bank. She was wearing a bright green floral MU MU. She was so nice, and I thought, wow, she doesn't care, and it’s awesome. I wanted her to hug me.
The past week was really weird for me. I don't know why. I guess my mental health session on Thursday had something to do with it. Coming to terms with stuff is important. I also want to let go of some stuff. Lots of people my age are more messed up than me. I can comfort myself with that! I am almost done with a bachelor’s degree in a good field. I don’t have any kids. I have a great family. I have awesome friends. I have a good future ahead of me. The worst is probably over. I just need to like myself a little bit more. And I need to believe that I can make good decisions in the future, instead of the (few) bad ones I have made in the past. Not so hard right?
riiiiiiiight.

Today is good. I am cleaning house this morning, and i have to work for a few hours this afternoon. this evening i hope to meet with Jana to study for our Human Rights midterm. Last week i got up the nerve to ask MADGE to study with us too. She said she would call if she could......*giddy
So, this week was okay. My mental health services appointment thursday went well. I like the lady i'm meeting with. no big revelations yet, but i am sure something will come of it.
Friday night i spent home alone having quality lisa time. I rented this movie called [i]Dummy[/i] (no wisecracks please). It starred Adrian Brodey, and it was pretty funny. It was also kind of weird, since large puppets tend to freak me out.
Yesterday was spent at work. Yes, the whole day. I wanted to shoot myself, or someone i worked with, but refrained and got all my math done for the next two weeks instead.
This post is very.....boring. Even I noticed this, and I am the one writing it.
Sometimes i wonder what the point is.